


With The Lights Switched On

by bellarose_writes



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bottom Eddie Kaspbrak, Depression, Drug Abuse, Drug Use, Eddie Kaspbrak Lives, Eddie Kaspbrak Loves Richie Tozier, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, First Time, Fix-It, Fluff and Angst, Gay Eddie Kaspbrak, Gay Richie Tozier, Healing, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Night Terrors, Nightmares, Post-Canon Fix-It, Post-IT Chapter Two (2019), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Reddie, Relapsing, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, Sobriety, Top Richie Tozier
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-27
Updated: 2020-06-27
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:54:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24942652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bellarose_writes/pseuds/bellarose_writes
Summary: After Derry, everyone has to go back home and go back to their normal lives, including Eddie. But Richie is left alone with a broken heart and years of trauma to catch up on.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 20
Kudos: 128





	With The Lights Switched On

**Author's Note:**

> Hello all! I thought I would just put a quick message at the start of this fic explaining a few things. 
> 
> I have PTSD and bipolar, and I've read fics with those topics on many occasions, and sometimes I believe it can be romanticised or made simple. People can't fix people, people can help and that's wonderful. But a journey you take to recovery can be long and difficult, but also inspiring and life-changing, and I really wanted to write that in a fic. This fic might be triggering to people, so please read the tags and be wary. 
> 
> If you ever feel alone or need someone to talk to, you can always message me on Tumblr @bellarosewrites. Furthermore, here's a link to helplines in every country. https://www.therapyroute.com/article/helplines-suicide-hotlines-and-crisis-lines-from-around-the-world 
> 
> Big love to everyone, be safe and enjoy,
> 
> Bella x

_I_

Stepping back into his home was like stepping into another life. ‘ _Home’_ was a loose term. Richie Tozier had lived in a 7th story apartment for 6 years, but it never felt like _home_. It had been the place he kept clothes and would sleep when he wasn’t on tour. In fact, there were still some boxes left untouched that he never unpacked. Sometimes he would glance at them in the room he once said would be his office, and think to himself he would actually get round to unpacking them. But he never did.

Richie dropped his bag on the floor as he glanced around the open planned living room and kitchen. A soft light fell into the apartment from the large windows, only made soft by the thick dirt which had collected on outside of the windows which Richie had never bothered to clean. He felt like a ghost as he looked around, drifting into someone else’s life, unnoticed and lost. Richie didn’t feel like he belonged in that apartment, even though it was the only place he had to go to after Derry. 

Suddenly, the only thing Richie wanted to do was to shower. His skin felt like it was crawling and his clothes suddenly felt hot and uncomfortable on his skin. They weren’t even his clothes. They were Mike’s which Richie had been given, but that’s not why they felt wrong hanging off his frame, it felt wrong because they had a connection to Derry. They had been in Derry. They had touched Derry. Richie wanted to get rid of every trace of Derry. So, he hurried to the bathroom with the sole purpose of washing away the thoughts in his racing mind. 

After he switched on the water, he quickly pushed his shoes off and pulled his clothes off, leaving them on the floor of his bathroom. Richie quickly stepped in, letting the hot water burn his skin, but he was so distant he barely even flinched. The water trickled through Richie’s hair, darkening it and falling off it in hot droplets which dripped down his back. Richie looked down at his naked body for the first time in a long time.

Normally when he showered, he would be as quick as possible and always turned his back from the mirror as he changed. His pale skin was turning pink where the water was hitting, but he could also see the purple and yellow tinge of parts of his skin which had once been deep bruises. There were also several cuts which were now scabbed over, the hot water burnt them and made them look redder and more swollen. As Richie looked down, the water trickled down the side of his face, catching in his curls. He looked at his toes which curled against the tiles, and the water which swirled into the drain. It made him feel dizzy.

Richie leant up against the cool tiles the water wasn’t hitting, the sudden coldness feeling harsh on his back and making his shiver. He lifted his hand up to turn the showerhead so he could lean on the wall and the water would still fall over him. Richie let his eyes shut as he sighed. He felt the hot water hit him in the chest like small bullets, and fall down his skin. The steam was now filling the bathroom and also filling Richie’s lungs as he tried to control his breathing. He wasn’t aware that if he had a cold before this moment, but with the steam, he felt like he could breathe properly for the first time in weeks. He listened to the running water and the way it thudded as it hit the tiles. It soothed him. It soothed him so much his knees buckled suddenly and Richie had to grip onto the water pipe to keep him stable. He groaned as he realised he needed to clean his skin and hair to make the shower worthwhile. 

Once, he was out of the shower, he quickly walked into his bedroom wrapped in a towel to put on clean clothes. He began to feel more himself with clothes that smelt like him and were baggy so they hung off his frame. Richie wandered back into the kitchen, his bare feet padding on the laminated floor. He couldn’t work out if he was hungry or not, he couldn’t even work out if he was tired. Richie felt like he couldn’t even tell what his own body wanted anymore. 

Like it was a reflex memory, Richie opened the cabinet where he kept bottles of liquor and reached for the scotch he had bought for someone else’s birthday party but decided not to go last minute so he kept the birthday present for himself. He poured himself some into the bottom of the glass and instantly raised it to his lips. The alcohol trickled down his throat and Richie shut his eyes to feel the slight burn. Without thinking, he swallowed the rest of the drink in one gulp and opened his eyes to pour himself another one. The light coming in from the windows was now an amber glow, the shadows from the furniture crept across the floor towards Richie. As Richie looked at the shadows, the idea of nightfall and being alone hit him like a truck. He swallowed the rest of his drink in a couple of gulps and poured himself another.

_II_

It didn’t take long until he found the room spinning around him. The shadows in his blurry state of mind felt like they were chasing him but he had nowhere to go, nowhere to run too. Richie switched on all the lights in his apartment, hoping that it would make him feel more protected. But it didn’t. Instead, he opted to pour himself another drink and hope that it would make him forget who he was, even if it was just for the evening. Richie wanted to forget again so badly it burnt his insides, each horrifying image in his head clawing its way into the front of his brain. He scrunched his hair in tight fists, tugging at the curls to try and get his mind to stop. But it was no use, Derry was still there in his mind and there was nothing that was going to make him forget. 

Richie tried putting on music, stumbling over to his speaker to turn up the volume, not caring if he was going to get complaints. He needed to hear something that wasn’t his mind, but that didn’t work either. Richie wasn’t sure when he made the decision to call someone, but he held his phone to his ear as he waited. 

“Richie?” A voice sleepily whispered on the other end of the phone.

“Wait who did I call?” Richie slurred, the bright lights beginning to burn his eyes. 

“It’s Eddie - wait are you drunk?” Eddie hissed. Richie could hear Eddie’s feet padding on the floor and then the sound of a door shut. 

“Why are you whispering?” Richie asked, ignoring Eddie’s question.

“Because I don’t want to wake Myra up,” Eddie mumbled. 

“Myra…” Richie muttered out of spite. Richie hated her. He hated her more than anyone else in the whole world. When Richie had finally met her, it felt like the ground swallowed him into hot lava.

Richie would never admit it out loud, but he wished that Eddie had come home with him instead. 

“Why are you calling me, Rich? It’s our first night back home, what do you need?” Eddie and Richie had been the last to leave Derry, only by a couple of days. Richie had sworn to Eddie that he was going to stay by his side until Eddie recovered, and he kept his promise. Then Myra showed up, saying that it was time for Eddie to go home. Richie wanted to scream. 

“I don’t know…” Richie muttered, “I think…” Richie was so drunk he couldn’t even remember what Eddie had asked him. His racing mind was completely elsewhere. 

“Richie, are you alright? You need to go to bed. Actually, get a glass of water, then go to bed. Get some sleep and see how you are in the morning,” Eddie rambled, and Richie let his eyes shut as he listened to Eddie’s voice. It had only been 24 hours and he had missed it so much. 

“Yeah, alright…” Richie slurred as he pushed himself off the sofa and walked over to the kitchen to grab a water bottle out of the fridge, nearly falling backwards as he tried to open it. “You still there?” Richie asked as he picked the phone back up from where he had placed it on the kitchen island. 

“Yeah, don’t worry I’m not going anywhere until you're in bed.” 

“Hot,” Richie laughed as he stumbled to his bedroom. 

“Fuck of Richie,” Eddie groaned. 

“You love it,” Richie chuckled. Richie could picture him sat in his pyjamas, probably sat in his bathroom hiding away from his wife. His cheeks blushed, his hair messy, his brown eyes looking “ _so pretty_.” Richie barely even noticed he said it out loud until Eddie repeated it. 

“What’s so pretty?” Eddie gently asked. 

“Oh, erm, nothing.” Richie slurred as he shuffled into his bed.

“Are you in bed now?” Eddie asked and Richie put his head onto the pillow. 

“Yeah,” Richie whispered. 

“Alright, get some sleep.” Eddie's voice was firm as he spoke to Richie. It had always been that way. Eddie telling Richie was to do and Richie not even questioning it as he followed. 

“I will,” Richie mumbled.

“Call me tomorrow so I know you’re alright?” 

“Sure,” Richie muttered. 

But Richie didn’t speak to Eddie for another few weeks, He couldn’t bring himself to click the phone icon next to his name. There had been a few messages from his other friends, but no phone calls. He wondered if it was because they were all in the same position as Richie, desperately trying to distance themselves from what had happened to them in Derry. 

_III_

For some reason, the next few days were good. Richie blasted music as he cleaned the messy apartment, making it feel brighter and full of life. He opened the windows to feel some of the warmth on his skin and his long curtains danced in the wind. He even bleached all the surfaces and washed the dishes. Richie slid around on his fluffy socks as he swept the wooden floors, singing loudly to the music, shutting his eyes and using the broom as a microphone. Richie sipped on cold beers he kept in the fridge, and actually tried to sleep at appropriate times in the day. The constant energy kept him going. Richie even unpacked the boxes in his “office” in preparation to start writing. The only thing Richie didn’t touch was his bag that was still sat by the door, he left it there as he felt anxious every time he remembered it was there. But he kept moving, letting the sudden burst of energy distract him for Derry. 

_ IV  _

It was three days before his mind caught up with his body and it came in the form of a nightmare. 

Richie flashed his eyes open and to his horror, he was in the sewer. The flashing lights thumping with his heart. He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t move. Richie's whole body was in shock. Complete shock. He looked around desperately trying to look for a way out when he caught eyes with Eddie across the other side of the cave. Richie suddenly was running, his feet feeling heavy and dragging along the rocky surface. Richie reached his arms out towards Eddie, but Eddie was still and staring at him with wide eyes. Richie tried opening his mouth to scream his name but it was no use, nothing was coming out.

When Richie was finally near Eddie, it was like Richie knew what was going to happen before it even happened. A strong force gushed past Richie knocking him over and spiked straight through Eddie’s chest. Richie screamed, desperately crawling on the floor to try to get to Eddie who was left on the floor, his blood trickling out of him towards Richie. Richie’s hands became thick with blood as he gripped the rocks to pull himself closer to Eddie, but he knew it was too late. His head was relaxed to the side, his eyes still wide open as he looked down at Richie with a glazed overlook. Richie cried, his face becoming wet. His stomach clenched as he heaved.

Richie’s body desperately tried to wake him up, but every time Richie tried to claw his way out of the night terror, he could see Eddie’s eyes looking at him. It felt like he was dying even though Richie’s heart raced. He desperately opened his eyes, the bright light burning him. He could hear screaming, it sounded like a dying animal. Richie tried to shake his head to make it go away.

Richie suddenly realised the screaming was coming from him. At some point, Richie managed to get out of his bed. The wood dug into his hands and knees as he tried to crawl, he wasn’t sure where he was going, but he had to move. His fingernails dug into the wood as his curls fell past his face, damp from sweat. Richie collapsed onto the floor and sobbed loudly, tucking his knees to his chest. The noises filled his brightly lit apartment until the sun came up. But all he could see was Eddie's blank eyes staring back at him.

_V_

It kept happening, every single night. The nightmares were always slightly different, but he was always back in that tunnel system. Sometimes he would see a flash of Beverly’s fire like hair, sometimes he would feel Mike’s firm grip on his arm, other times it was Bill screaming at him to get up from the floor. But it always ended the same way. It was always Eddie’s glazed over eyes staring at Richie, taunting him and piercing through Richie’s body. 

That first week was the worst for Richie. He stayed in his locked apartment with all the lights still switched on and he kept a penknife in his pocket. Every time there was a small creak or faint whisper, he would jump up like a puppy and be ready to attack. But the was nothing, just his quiet and over lit apartment closing in on him. Every day it felt smaller. He closed all the blinds to try and hide away from the world, but he always kept all the lights on so days blurred together. Richie wasn’t even sure if he was sleeping, but sometimes he would just open his eyes and be laying somewhere random in his house, the music still blasting, the TV still playing, the light glairing down on him. Richie wouldn’t even be able to tell you that a week had passed.

Richie didn’t do any writing. Sometimes he would sit at his desk and stare at the empty word document and sip on a hard liquor he poured into a mug, but nothing funny would come out. Richie’s eyes would begin to water, but he would push it back and opt to go sit on the sofa to watch films to try and distract himself. Richie knew he should try and talk to the other Losers about what was happening because the likelihood was that they were experiencing the same thing, but Richie knew that they connected to Derry. So if he talked to them, it would be like he was there again. 

_VI_

But, it was Eddie that called him first. Richie stared at his phone which sat in the bed in front of him. Richie sat cross-legged as he watched it, eventually the screen turned off. But it lit up again as Eddie tried to call him again. Eddie called four times before Richie picked up. 

“Richie, thank god!” Eddie sighed.

“What’s wrong?” Richie quickly asked. 

“I just-” Eddie paused, “Sorry it’s dumb…”

“No, tell me.” Richie said sternly.

“I had a nightmare…” Eddie sounded ashamed and it made Richie’s stomach sink. Richie looked to his side to see the darkness outside, he hadn't even realised it was nighttime. He turned his attention back to his friend.

“Eds…”

“No it’s alright, I just needed to hear your voice and know you’re all right.”

“I wouldn’t say I’m all right…” Richie muttered before even thinking. 

“Wait, why? What’s wrong?” Eddie quickly asked. Richie looked around his room, the duvet which had been kicked to the end of his bed, the half-empty bottle of vodka that sat on his bedside table and the carton of cigarettes he had been smoking as he hung out of his bedroom window. 

“I don’t think… I don’t think I’m doing too good…” Richie mumbled. Eddie waited a moment before replying, probably taken aback from Richie’s shaking voice. 

“Why?” Eddie asked quietly. 

“That’s a dumb question,” Richie scoffed. 

“Alright, yeah that was dumb.” Richie could almost hear the smile on Eddie’s lips. “What’s been going on?” 

“I’ve been drinking a lot…” Richie whispered, “I’ve been having a lot of nightmares, and I feel like I can’t leave my apartment, I can’t even turn the lights off… I’m not scared of the dark or anything, it’s just…” Richie couldn’t finish the sentence. His body felt like it was seizing up. “You know, when I was in my thirties I swore I would never do drugs again because it sent me loopy? Well, I feel like I’m like that now and I’m not even taking any drugs.” Eddie was silent before saying,

“Please don’t do drugs.” Eddie suddenly said.

“What?”

“Richie, please. Don’t destroy yourself. I can’t… I don’t want to lose you.” Eddie's voice was desperate. Richie had ever heard him like that before.

“Eddie I won’t-”

“Stop drinking as well.” Eddie interrupted. 

“Your kidding?” Richie scoffed. 

“Please, Richie for me.”

“Why?”

“Because…” Eddie didn’t finish his thought. Instead, he said, “Please promise me. I like you…” Eddie stopped and Richie felt his heart skip a beat. “I mean… I like sober you, and your great, and you don't need to do drugs... Just promise me.” Eddie said quickly. 

“I promise,” Richie muttered and Eddie stayed quiet for a moment.

“I’ll come to see you soon,” The words made Richie blink a couple of times. 

“See me?” Richie choked out. 

“Yeah, I miss you and it would be good for you to be around people.” 

“You miss me?” Richie repeated as a question.

“Of course I do,” Eddie spat. “I miss you so much.”

“I miss you too…” Richie meant that. He meant it with every bone in his body. 

“Actually Richie… I need to tell you something,” Eddie’s voice sounded shaky. He was nervous and that scared Richie. 

“What’s wrong?” Richie quickly asked, scared of what the answer would be.

“Seeing you in Derry, it made me realise I-” But Eddie didn’t finish the sentence because there was a loud thumping on the door. Richie jumped when he heard it before realising it came from Eddie’s side of the phone. “Shit,” Eddie mumbled. 

_“Eddie, are you in there, what’s going on?”_ It was obviously Myra’s voice. Richie wanted to scream at Eddie to finish whatever he was saying. Richie needed to know. But Eddie hung up the phone. Richie moved the phone away from his ear to his lock screen flash up, Eddie had actually hung-up on him. 

_VII_

Richie couldn’t sleep because all he could think about was what Eddie was going to say. ( _Since Derry…" Since Derry what!?)_ So Richie spent the next few days hoping Eddie would call him again, but he never did. Richie carried on drinking and carried on staring at his empty word document that was supposed to be for his new ideas.

Richie knew exactly what he wanted Eddie to say, the words that he was too scared to even admit to himself. The words that he would think over and over again as he woke up from nightmares or when he held himself crying. _I love you, I love you, I love you._ The words spun around Richie’s head and they scared him, so he tried to drink to forget them. But it didn’t help. But the words that wouldn’t come to mind were the ones for his sketch. 

So he tried a different approach. Richie poured all the alcohol he had down the sink, and he smiled as he watched it swirl down the drain. Richie managed to start writing, none of it was great, but at least he was writing. The pain in his chest every time he thought of Eddie hurt him more than he could explain, but this version of Richie, sober and hard-working Richie, was the Richie that Eddie would be more likely to love back. It was selfish, imagining himself with a married man, but it kept Richie motivated. If he had something to work for, he would stay on track. 

_ VIII _

The rush of the night club and the beat of the deep base pumped through Richie’s body.

Saying that you're going to stay on the straight and narrow to try and work through your feelings for your childhood best friend was one thing, but doing it was a whole different level of commitment. Richie had spent his whole life being single or at least casually dating and drifting through his life. Every other night he would be getting off with different people in dirty night clubs after his sets. When he was in his 20s, he barely remembered the nights. It's like he would get off stage, take a line, and blink and he would be in his hotel bed the next morning with a stranger.

Richie barely remembers what happened up till this point. His feet were shuffling around the sticky floor with his hands running through his sweat coated hair. He knew some of his old comedy friends had heard he was having a bad time so they invited him to a comedy night, they must have seen the horrendous airport photos someone took of him. In a moment of madness, Richie decided he should go out and see people. He had been locked away for too long and need inspiration from other comics. Richie hadn’t performed, but he greeted them in the dressing rooms after they got off stage. Before Richie could even talk to them properly, they were scrapping coke into lines. They were bending down, snorting it until there was one line left. All there wide eyes staring at Richie. Richie promised Eddie he wouldn’t do this. But there he was. Richie could say to Eddie it was peer pressure, but it wasn't really.

From that point the night kept going, getting heavier and heavier. Richie kept drinking and taking whatever drugs his friends passed to him in the bathroom. He had lost them at the third club, but he stayed anyway. He should've gone back to his apartment. He knew that, really deep down.

Richie was now dancing with someone. Richie's eyes were tight shut, but he could feel the stranger's hands on his hips. He could tell Eddie someone spiked him, but Richie could never lie to him. Why did he care so much about a stupid promise he made Eddie?

The stranger traced their thumb over Richie's mouth, and without hesitation, Richie opened it. They placed a small pill in his mouth, and Richie quickly swigged his drink and swallowed. Richie could tell Eddie that a stranger forced it into his mouth, but he swallowed it willingly. He didn’t care. 

It's not like there were needles involved or anything like that. Richie could say to Eddie that it was all safe, a normal thing to do on a weekend. But that was the lies he told himself in his twenties. Now he was 40, a public figure, a role model. He knew deep down that none of this was safe or normal. But he didn't think about that as his lips slowly moved with the strangers. He didn't even remember them kissing him, or maybe he kissed them first. Their hands had travelled to the small of Richie’s back and was tugging on the material of his shirt. Richie’s skin felt hot. His eyes were tight shut, the music thumping, people brushing past him, the lights flashing. 

But then he was suddenly back there. The thump of the music and the flashing lights were suddenly like the ones under Derry. The people brushing past him felt like the sharp rocks that hit his skin. Richie opened his eyes wide and pushed the stranger away. He ran. Richie pushed past the crowds of people, the hot air inclosing in on him. He ran past the bouncers and into the street, the cold air hitting his body and the sounds of the night club far behind him. Richie put his hands on his knees as he panted, scrunching his eyes shut as he felt his heart race. Richie knew he was far gone, barely remembering the moments leading up to him getting outside. The sun was coming up in Chicago, the amber glow hitting the buildings to make them a soft orange colour. Richie dug around for his phone, but instead of ordering an uber, he rang a phone number. The only phone number he had spent time memorising. 

"Hey Richie, this isn't a good time. I'm just in a meeting - yes I know a meeting at seven in the morning should be illegal, I hate my job so much but we have to talk to clients abroad. I've excused myself because I said it was an emergency, but I've got to get back in there." Eddie rambled, obviously not really paying attention. Richie could imagine Eddie stood there outside of his meeting room, in his slim-fitting suit and foot tapping. Eddie had left a meeting to pick up the phone. He could've let it ring, he could've sent Richie a quick text. But no, Eddie lied just to hear Richie's voice. Richie knew he didn’t deserve to have a friend like Eddie. 

_"Eddie..."_ Richie whimpered down the phone. Richie didn't realise he had started crying.

 _'When did I start crying?'_ Richie managed to think.

Richie opened his eyes to try and gather his surrounding more. He had no idea where he was, but that’s not what he cared about. 

"Rich? What's wrong?" Eddie's tone suddenly changed.

"I need to tell you something." Richie stammered. Eddie was silent on the other end of the phone. _Oh god,_ Richie thought, _he already knows, he knows I'm a fuck up._

"Ok." Eddie finally said.

“I’m sorry… I can’t…” Richie was sobbing uncontrollably. There were people around his staring at him with judging eyes. Richie was a mess, an absolute mess. 

"Richie, tell me. Now." Eddie spoke with a harsh tone. Richie had heard that voice plenty of times from Eddie, but only when he was trying to snap Richie out of his spiralling.

“I’ve done drugs… I don’t know where I am… I need help…”

“Fuck, okay, calm down Richie.” Eddie’s voice sounded panicked, which made Richie panic more. Richie could feel his breath becoming shorter, his vision becoming blurry even though he was wearing his glasses. “Listen to me, Richie, you need to breathe.”

“I broke a promise, Eddie. I broke a promise…” Richie sobbed. Richie knew it was more than just a loose promise. They took promises very seriously with their friends. 

“Richie it’s ok, listen to me, ok? You’re alright, we’re alright,” Eddie was speaking softly and Richie nodded, forgetting Eddie couldn’t see him."I shouldn't of made you promise, but it's ok. I swear, it's going to be alright." Eddie's voice was soothing, and the anxiety began to wash away from Richie's mind. “I want you to put me on loudspeaker and order an uber.” Richie did as he was told. The next couple of minutes were a blur. At some point, Richie sat down on the curb as he waited, listening to Eddie's soft voice to help him not to pass out. He opened his eyes and he was in an uber. He closed them again. When he opened them again he was in his apartment but Eddie’s voice was still there, talking to him. Richie was blacking out, but he was still somewhat conscious and able to get into his apartment somehow. It was like his 20's all over again, but this time he had Eddie to guide him to safety.

“Richie, I need you to get some water and a bucket in case you throw up.” Eddie’s voice was so calm, it soothed Richie as he wobbled through his apartment, the lights still glaring. He made it to his bed, rolling over so he could hug his phone. “Are you in bed, Richie?” Richie hummed in response. “Richie, listen to me, I love you so much.” The words hit in Richie’s body like silver bullets. 

“I love you too, Eddie.” Richie’s eyes pricked with tears again. Richie knew deep down that Eddie meant it in the way they all said “ _I love you_ ” to each other, but for a moment he could pretend. 

“Try sleep, alright?” Eddie said. 

“I wish you were here,” Richie sniffed. 

“I know, Richie. I wish I was there too.” Eddie’s voice cracked slightly.

_IX_

Richie wasn’t sure when the conversation ended, or if he even said goodbye. But Richie’s eyes flicked open and the room was an amber glow from the sunsetting. He had slept the whole day, but he didn’t feel like he’d slept. His vision was blurry as his stomach clenched, and he was glad Eddie told him to put a bucket by his bed. 

The next few hours were a blur. The sky went dark again, but Richie’s apartment stayed bright with the lights switched on. Richie wished he could turn the lights off because his eyes hurt, but the light protected him from the darkness creeping into his apartment. It stopped him from falling back into Derry. Eddie must’ve text all of the other Losers because Richie got several texts throughout the day, and he didn’t respond to any of them. Richie had several missed calls from Eddie, but Richie didn't want to speak to him. He was too ashamed. Richie left his phone in his bedroom as he curled up on the sofa, letting the sound of the TV fill the apartment. 

At some point his eyes shut, only to be awakened by a loud banging. At first, he thought it was the TV. But when it carried on, he quickly sat up with the realisation it was his front door. It made him go into panic mode. How did someone get into his apartment complex? Maybe it was a neighbour complaining about the noise. Richie reached for the penknife he kept near him at all times, today it was on the coffee table. Richie slowly walked over to the door, his heart still racing. Richie wished he had a peephole so he could look. Richie unlocked his door and edged it open slightly to peep through and he felt his heart stop.

Richie dropped the knife in his hand and swung the door open and he was greeted by a tight hug, arms wrapping around his neck yanking him down. Richie was overwhelmed by the comforting smell of Eddie, his warm and strong arms around him felt familiar. Richie squeezed tighter as he felt tears began to stream down his face. Richie was still in a blurry state so was unsure if this was really happening. But Eddie’s body was shaking and he was sniffing, and Richie instantly knew it was real. Eddie pulled away after a minute and put his hands on either side of Richie’s face, glancing across it. 

“I’m so glad you're ok,” Eddie whimpered, his lip shaking and he bit it to try and make it stop. Eddie’s eyes were red, tears streaming from them. 

“Of course I’m ok-”

“You weren’t answering your phone and I got scared and I-” Eddie didn’t finish because Richie wrapped him into a tight hug again. Both of them cried in Richie’s doorway, letting each other squeeze tighter and tighter on each other. Eddie’s face was pressed into Richie’s chest and Richie wrapped his arms around Eddie’s shoulders. Richie kissed the top of Eddie’s head a couple of times, his lips tickled against Eddie's hair. It wasn't in a romantic move, it was to show how much he loved him. All of his friends had been affectionate at kids, always kissing each other's cheeks to say goodbye. People thought it was weird, but none of them thought so. Richie pulled away and Eddie whipped his own tears away with his hand. Eddie's cheeks were flushed. the lines under his eyes seemed heavier and deeper, but for some reason when Eddie cried he looked younger. It reminded Richie of the times Eddie cried in the clubhouse about wanting to escape Derry, and none of his friends knew what to say. 

“You wanna come in?” Richie sniffed, almost laughing, and Eddie nodded with a smile. “How did you even get into the apartment complex?” Richie asked as he turned away from Eddie to walk into his apartment.

“Oh, I told your doorman I was coming to see you, I think they just presumed it was a hookup because how late it was, you definitely need better security.” Eddie chuckled but still sniffed back the tears while he shut the door with a click. “Wait is that-?” Richie turned around quickly to see Eddie was pointing down at the untouched bag from Derry. Richie awkwardly nodded and turned back around to walk to his sofa. 

“So you got a flight here?” Richie asked, trying to change the conversation. Richie sat on the sofa and looked up at Eddie.

“Yeah,” Eddie sighed and that’s when Richie realised Eddie was dragging a suitcase. “I needed to know you were alright and I couldn’t wait for you to answer your phone.” Eddie let go of the handle and walked over to the sofa to sit down next to Richie. They both awkwardly looked forward at the TV that was still blasting out a late-night game show. Richie didn’t even know what time it was. 

“How long are you staying?” Richie asked as he glanced over at the suitcase.

“Till I believe that you’re ok.”

“You might be here for the rest of your life.” Richie chuckled. 

“Yeah, I definitely didn’t bring enough clothes.” Eddie laughed. Richie wanted to ask about how Eddie's wife reacted when Eddie said he had to see Richie, how he got the time off work and why the hell he cared so much about Richie. But Richie decided to keep his mouth shut for the first time in his life.

“So, do you want to… talk?” Eddie sounded reluctant as he glanced over at Richie, his forearms still leant on his thighs and his hands clasped together. 

“I’m actually kind of tired,” Richie mumbled as he lifted up his phone. “I mean it is- oh my god it’s three in the morning. You must be exhausted?” Richie gasped as he looked at Eddie. Eddie smiled slightly.

“Yeah, honestly I am.” 

“I don’t have a spare room.” Richie quickly said and Eddie looked around them, pressing his hands into the cushioning of the sofa below him. 

“Well, I’ll be happy on the sofa.” Eddie smiled.

“That seems-”

“Shut up, Richie. I’m fine on the sofa.” Eddie demanded and Richie sighed reluctantly. 

“Alright,” Richie said as he stood up.

“Where is the bathroom?” Eddie asked, also standing up.

“I’ll show you,” Richie smiled as Eddie followed him through the apartment, and Richie gestured towards the bathroom with a smile. 

“See you tomorrow?” Eddie smiled. 

“Yeah, goodnight,” Richie muttered as he walked into his bedroom. Richie was still out of it, leaving his door open without even thinking about it. He was already in pyjamas so he shuffled into his bed straight away, pulling the blanket over his body. Richie wasn't still 100 per cent sure if that whole exchange actually happened, or if he was still delirious. As he lay with his eyes shut, the room felt like it was spinning. He could hear his heartbeat in his ears. The strain behind his eyes was overwhelming. But his body begged him to sleep, even if his mind was overactive.

“Hey, buddy. Do you want me to turn the light off?” Eddie’s voice suddenly cooed. Richie didn't bother to open his eyes. 

“No leave it on,” Richie mumbled, his arms covering his face as he curled up. Richie heard his door creak shut.

_X_

Most of Richie’s nights were long with him waking up every couple of hours with his chest feeling tight and not being able to breathe. But other times, he would blink and hours had skipped past. Honestly, the nights where he would blink the hours away felt worse, but both felt like he had no control of his body and that scared him. 

Apparently it had been one of those quick nights. Richie opened his eyes and the bright sun was streaming into his windows with no mercy, making Richie’s fuzzy vision even more disorientating and straining. The noises of a Chicago street were in full swing, the heavy traffic drifted in through Richie’s slightly open window with a hot tar smell. Richie fumbled around for his glasses on the bedside table and pushed them onto his face. Richie felt his heart drop when he heard a clatter on the other side of his apartment. Richie gripped into his bedsheets, his whole body tensing up. He held his breath. 

“ _Shit_!” Eddie's voice yelled and Richie sighed, remembering that his best friend was in his house. Richie pulled himself out of bed and his bare feet padding on the wooden floor to the kitchen. 

As he walked in, he could see Eddie on his hands and knees wiping coffee off the floor. 

“You alright there?” Richie sleepily mumbled and Eddie jumped at his voice. Edde rolled his eyes when he saw Richie. 

“I was going to surprise you with breakfast in bed but then I spilt coffee everywhere,” Eddie groaned. Richie walked over to Eddie and sank to his knees as well, picking up some more kitchen roll as he went. Richie helped clean up the still-hot coffee from the floor and Eddie gave him a weak smile to say _“thank you”._

“Were you really going to make me breakfast in bed?” Richie smirked. 

“More like lunch in bed,” Eddie grumbled. Richie’s eyes flicked up to the ticking clock on the wall, it was one o’clock. Eddie put his hand on his knee to pull himself up. 

“Damn, that’s the most I’ve slept since…” Richie's voice trailed off, looking down as he refused to make eye contact with Eddie and also refusing to finish the sentence. But Eddie reached his hand down and Richie reluctantly took it, letting Eddie pull him up with a loud groan. Richie laughed as he stumbled up and looked down at Eddie. His bare feet felt hot on the tiles where the coffee had been. Richie suddenly felt like his mind was empty. All he could see was Eddie’s blinking brown eyes gazing back at him. Richie opened his mouth to say something, anything that would come from the inside of his swooning brain, but Eddie said something first. 

“Why don’t you get a shower? I’ll be done in about 10 minutes with all this.” Eddie said as he gestured around the kitchen. Richie's eyes looked around to see Eddie was actually cooking, which was something that Richie hadn’t done in that kitchen for a long time. 

“Wait where did you get the food from…” Richie carried on looking around, “and the bowls… and saucepans... what the fuck.” 

“Oh, you would be surprised how much stuff you can buy from Walmart,” Eddie mocked. Richie’s body felt warm. He wanted to wrap Eddie in a tight hug. The man had gone out and bought everything needed for breakfast, just for Richie. 

_XI_

At first, Richie didn’t think he would be able to eat the fry up Eddie brought him, but as soon as the first bite touched his lips, his whole body was screaming for more. Richie’s damp curls from the shower hung over his face, a couple of drops falling onto the tray as he looked down at it as it was placed in his lap. Richie was surprised when Eddie brought in the tray of food, ( _yes,_ _he also bought trays),_ and disappeared out of the room to only come back with his own. Eddie shuffled onto the bed next to Richie and gently asked if he wanted to watch something while they ate. Richie propped up his laptop between them and put on Ghostbusters, one of their favourites when they were kids. They sat and ate, quietly watching the film with the sound of their cutlery scraping on the plates. Richie glanced over at Eddie and raised his eyebrows.

“I’m surprised you're eating that…” Richie mumbled, and Eddie took a bite out of the sausage spiked into his fork. Eddie glanced down at his food quickly then back to Richie. 

“Yeah, I’m trying new things.” Richie nodded and turned his attention back to the film. 

What Richie should’ve said, and what he thought about instead of watching the film was something along the lines of “ _good for you Eddie!_ ” or “ _I’m so proud of you_ ,” or even _“Is your wife ok with that?”_ But Richie stayed silent and carried on eating his food. 

When they both finished, Eddie didn’t bother to pause the film before he grabbed the trays to take them back to the kitchen, saying that he’d _“seen it a million times before_ ” and he _“used to be able to close his eyes and play it like a projector when at church.”_ When he returned, without saying anything, Eddie climbed back into the bed, lifting the duvet up and tucking himself in. The room had become slightly chillier because of the air conditioning blowing through the apartment. Richie let his body slouch and pull the duvet up further as he only put on a thin shirt after his shower, so his bare arms pricked in the chill. Eddie was the same, shuffling his body down so he was leaning more on the headboard. 

Richie's whole body suddenly tensed and he swore his heart stopped beating when Eddie’s head fell onto Richie’s shoulder. Richie stayed still with wide eyes, unsure of what to do. But he could see in the reflection of the screen, Eddie was fast asleep. Richie knew he should wake him up, but at the same time, Eddie barely got any sleep last night from travelling, and apparently he had been up early to buy kitchen supplies for Richie. So, Richie made the decision to leave him. Richie tried to watch the film, but the sound of Eddie’s faint breath was making Richie feel dizzy. 

When the scene played where all the Ghostbusters are on the roof, there was a particularly loud noise that made Richie jump. Richie thought Eddie would wake up then, but all he did was groan deeply and shuffled closer to Richie and wrapped his arm around Richie’s waist. Richie’s eyes went wide again, feeling Eddie's forehead pressed into his neck, Eddie’s soft breath hitting Richie’s chest, Eddie’s hands balancing on Richie’s hip. Richie tried his best to hold down the breakfast he just ate. 

When the credits started rolling, Netflix automatically started playing the next film as a suggestion, so Richie didn’t bother to switch it off. Richie kept his arms awkwardly on either side of his body, one of them being pressed next to Eddie’s sleeping body. Richie didn’t want Eddie to wake up and think Richie was taking advantage. A small panic stayed in Richie’s stomach while he tried to watch the second film. 

But it was only twenty minutes in when Eddie’s body coiled back and he rubbed his eyes as he groaned. 

“Did I fall asleep?” Eddie mumbled. 

“Yeah,” Richie lightly said, trying not to look at him. 

“Shit sorry,”

“No it’s alright, you're tired, you needed to get some rest,” Richie muttered, Richie leaned up and redid his pillows and slid further down the bed, so he was only slightly propped up. He could feel Eddie’s gaze on him. 

“I might go back to sleep then,” Eddie muttered as he lay his pillows down and shuffled further down the bed to put his head onto them. 

“Alright,” Richie muttered back, still staring at the screen. 

“Sorry I fell asleep on you…” Eddie mumbled. Richie quickly glanced at him. Eddie was laying flat, his body turned to the side so he was facing Richie, but his eyes were shut. 

“It’s alright,” Richie replied, hating that Eddie even acknowledged falling asleep on him. But then the words fell out of his mouth before he could even stop them, “if it helped you can do it again.”

Eddie’s eyes flew open, and Richie regretted keeping his gaze on Eddie.

“I mean, we always used to do it as kids….” Richie desperately added. But Eddie didn’t say anything. Richie looked back at the screen, his stomach hurting from regret. But then he felt Eddie’s body move next to him. Eddie put the laptop onto Richie's calves and then Eddie lifted up Richie’s arm that had been crossed over his stomach and lay it next to him. Eddie tucked himself into Richie’s side, laying his cheek on Richie’s chest. Richie was 100 per cent sure Eddie would be able to feel his racing heart. Eddie then moved his arm to wrap around Richie’s stomach. Richie sat there for a few moments, unsure of what to do. But Richie’s body went into autopilot. Richie wrapped his arm onto Eddie’s back, his hand pressing into Eddie’s lower back. His other arm moved up and held onto Eddie's forearm which was laying on Richie’s stomach. It felt so natural like this was the way things were supposed to be.

_XII_

The echoing sound of screaming, the ripping sensation in his body, the flashing lights. Richie was back in Derry. He was back in Pennywise's lair. Richie was hiding, ducking behind some fallen rocks. Richie peaked round to see Bill screaming as he tried to chase after the others, but one of Pennywise's long limbs whacked him and sent him spinning backwards, crashing down into the floor with a loud thud which ripped through Richie’s body. Richie rocked himself, sobbing. He was a coward. He had to go help his friends but he couldn’t. Richie could hear Beverly shrieking, the pain echoing around the liar and into Richie’s skin. Richie peaked round again, his heart pounding in his tight chest. Mike was floating up, his limp limbs hanging down, dripping blood onto Ben as he tried to reach up to grab him. Richie closed his eyes and covered his ears, muttering to himself. “ _Stop, stop, stop, stop!”_

 _“Richie!”_ The voice felt far away. 

“No, no, no, please,” Richie muttered as he rocked himself. 

_“Richie, you’re alright, please try to open your eyes!”_ But Richie shook his head desperately, refusing to look at the collapsing world around him. _“Richie I’ve got you, please.”_ Richie could feel his body getting tighter like a force was wrapping around him. _“Richie, please, come on.”_ There was a soft feeling on his face, like a wiping motion under his eyes. Richie gently tried to open his eyes, the bright hurting his eyes. Richie tried to blink, but everything was a blur. He felt ice-cold, but there was something warm touching him. 

“I can’t go back there…” Richie choked out. 

“Richie, you’re here with me. We’re in Chicago, in your home.” A calm voice soothed him. Richie’s eyes shut again, feeling two hands on either side of his face. _He was in Chicago._ Richie attempted to open his eyes again and was met with Eddie’s face close to his. Even though everything was blurry, Eddie’s brown eyes were comforting. They danced across Richie's face as Eddie towered over him, his hands still holding into Richie’s cheeks. Richie reached his arms up, one of them sliding across Eddie’s lower back, and the other near his shoulder. Eddie was half-pressed onto Richie, his elbow digging into Richie’s heaving chest. 

Richie was still in a state of shock, unsure whether this was really happening. There had been many nights where he woke up from a nightmare and swore Eddie was there with him. But he never was. 

Richie’s next instinct was exactly that, _an_ _instinct_. Like something deep within him was guiding his body without even thinking.

Richie leaned up his eyes closing shut as he felt his lips press against Eddies. Richie felt like his head was heavy, he could barely hold it up for long. Richie pulled his head back and let it fall against the pillow again. But Richie had to do a second take when he felt a force on his own lips, pressing his head further into the pillow. Eddie’s hands were still on either side of Richie’s face, pulling him to the side slightly so Eddie could be closer. Richie opened his mouth as he arms wrapped tighter around Eddie’s small body, one of his hands travelled up to tangle in the back of Eddie’s hair. 

Richie felt like he was intoxicated, his brain was spiralling with a million thoughts which almost gave him a sense of clarity. Eddie’s mouth opened more, one of Eddie’s hands travelled up to push Richie’s curls away and then grip into them tightly. Richie’s tongue was in Eddie’s mouth, crashing against Eddie’s as they moved together. Richie’s ice-cold body now felt like it was burning up with Eddie’s weight on him. Richie wanted more. Richie pulled Eddie so he was fully on top, one of his legs going in between Richie’s. Richie moaned into Eddie’s mouth as he felt the weight of Eddie’s leg press into his lap.

Richie was sure he was dreaming. His sleep-deprived state must have made this up for him as a reward for dealing with the nightmares. But when Eddie dragged his tongue against Richie’s and yanked his hair, whilst also making a grinding down motion with his hip, the reality sunk in.

Richie’s eyes sprung open, his body suddenly tensing up. Richie pushed Eddie away, the feeling of Eddie’s mouth leaving his made Richie’s head spin. Part of him wanted it back desperately, but the other part of him was screaming _no_. 

“Eddie, we can’t do this,” Richie quickly said. Eddie’s eyes had shot open and they were glancing across Richie’s face. Even with his blurry vision, Richie could see Eddie’s cheeks were hot red and his dark hair was sticking up. Eddie looked wrecked. Eddie blinked a couple of times. 

“I’m so sorry…” Eddie gasped as he sat up quickly. Richie felt a pang of loss when Eddie’s body was removed from on top of him. Richie propped himself up on his elbow and fumbled around on his bedside table for his glasses. The room was bright with light, but Richie looked round to the window to see it was night time. “Shit, Richie, I’m…” Eddie was getting out of the bed and Richie quickly looked at him. Richie didn’t know what to say. 

“No, shit, sorry.” Richie spat out as he tried to sit up. Eddie had paced to the end of the bed, running his hands through his hair and tugged at it desperately. “Eddie, stop freaking out-”

“How can I not freak out?” Eddie quickly said. Richie realised Eddie’s breath had picked up. “I kissed you when you were vulnerable, I-” Eddie leaned over, putting his hands on his knees as he panted. 

“Eddie?” Richie quickly said as he crawled to the end of the bed. He reached his hand out to touched Eddie, but recoiled when Eddie suddenly gasped, 

_“Inhaler.”_

“Oh shit,” Richie quickly said as he got out of bed. 

Richie raced through his brightly lit apartment, his eyes scanning around for Eddie’s suitcase. As he spotted it next to the sofa still open, Richie fell to his knees and started routing through it and couldn’t see the inhaler. His mind suddenly went back to Derry and Eddie’s ridiculously big wash bag. 

Richie pulled himself up again and nearly skidded in his socks on his way to the bathroom. Eddie’s wash bag was sat next to the sink, his inhaler thankfully the thing that was on top.

Richie grabbed it and rushed back to the bedroom, where Eddie was sitting on the end of the bed, his head in his hands while he heaved. Richie fell to his knees again and pushed the inhaler into Eddie’s hands. Richie watched as Eddie’s shaky hands took the cap off the inhaler and bit down on it as he pressed the top down. Richie barely thought about the fact his hands were gripping into Eddie’s legs as he watched Eddie begin to calm down. Eddie didn’t make eye contact with Richie as he pressed his elbows into his legs and hung his head down, breathing in and out slowly. 

“Are you alright?” Richie whispered, scared to startle the smaller man. 

“Yeah… it’s just… a lot…” Eddie said between breaths. 

“Come on, you need to into bed.”

“Sofa…” Eddie muttered. 

“Not a chance,” Richie said as he stood up. Richie reached his arms out and Eddie hung onto it as Richie pulled him up. Richie guided him to the bed and pulled the cover-up for Eddie, watching carefully as Eddie shuffled in. 

“I’m going to sleep on the sofa,” Richie mumbled as he ran his hand through his hair. Eddie quickly glanced up at him. 

“I’m so sorry Richie I-” Eddie's voice was still wobbling and raspy.

“No, please don’t apologize… It was nice... Really nice.” Richie confessed with his skin beginning to feel hot. Eddie’s cheeks flushed bright red. Richie couldn't believe he had said that.

“Oh good… ok…” Eddie muttered while staring at Richie with wide eyes. “Why don’t you sleep in here then?” 

The question hit into Richie’s body like a truck. Richie could feel himself wobble, his knees buckle slightly, his head banged with pain. Richie wanted nothing more to cuddle up with Eddie, but not just tonight. Richie wanted to hold Eddie on rainy days, he wanted to press up against him on train journeys, he wanted to hold his hand on the street and wrap his arm around him when they sat with friends. Richie wanted it all with Eddie, and he was sure Eddie felt the same. But the one thing that was stopping him was…

Richie looked into Eddie’s eyes. That’s what it was. As he looked into Eddie’s wide and full of life eyes, he got a flash of Eddie’s eyes staring at him in the sewer. Nothing behind them, just emptiness. 

Richie caught his breath, blinking away the vision. 

“Sorry, I can’t.” Richie quickly said and Eddie looked confused. “I want you to get some sleep, please.” Eddie gave a small nod and laid down, pulling the duvet up to his shoulders. “Goodnight, Eds,” Richie said as he turned to leave the bedroom. 

“Goodnight Richie,” Eddie muttered. “Oh, Rich? Can you turn the light off?” But Richie pretended not to hear and left the light on, shutting the door behind him.

_XIII_

The gleaming lights stayed on and Richie stayed awake. He knew he’d fucked up his sleep schedule by sleeping all day. But he knew even if he was tired, there was no way he was going back to sleep knowing Eddie was in the other room probably also awake with anxiety. Richie wanted to cry, but he was unsure if he would be able to. His whole body felt withered. Even if he cried, he doubted it would be water that came out. 

Richie watched his shaking hands as he held them upright, watching carefully as his fingers moved up and down uncontrollably. He sighed, leaning back onto the sofa to stare up at the ceiling. But with the empty space, visions of Eddie kissing him filled his mind. Richie hummed to himself, feeling his cheeks become hot again and a warmth filling the pit of his stomach. It was a very good kiss. But then the guilt started to drift in. It made his chest tight as his mind began to race. 

Richie sat up again, looking around his brightly lit apartment. The clock said it was three in the morning. To Richie, that was enough justification to be able to drink. Not too late, not too early. He walked over to the kitchen and routed through the cupboards and remembered that he had thrown all of his alcohol away. Richie groaned as he remembered he also threw his cigarettes away. Richie looked down at himself, he was still wearing the sweatpants and oversized shirt he had pulled on after his shower. Richie shrugged as he headed for the door, pushing on his trainers and grabbing his coat. 

_ XIV _

The air was still humid, but the slight wind brought a chill into Richie’s bones. The night was quiet, there were a few drunk people stumbling around in the streets trying to get some after not surviving a full night out. Richie’s worst fear was that he would get recognized, but he doubted it at this time of night. It still made him miss his large baseball cap. 

The small 24-hour store was only 3 blocks away, one that Richie had frequented in his time living in Chicago. When he arrived, he quickly went to the back of the store to look for a bottle of something strong, he didn’t really care what. Richie settled on a small bottle of vodka. 

A young man sat behind the till reading a newspaper instead of looking over the shop. Richie put the bottle down with a _clank_ and the man's eyes shot up. 

“Can I also get a case of Marlborough's,” Richie muttered as he routed through his pocket for his wallet. 

“Hey, are you Richie Tozier?” The man said as he turned back to put the Marlborough's on the counters. Richie wished he brought his baseball cap.

“Yeah, the one and only,” Richie said with a half-smile as he handed over some notes. 

“Damn, you were so funny.” The man sighed.

“Were?” Richie repeated, raising his eyebrow. 

“Oh shit, well I’m sure you still are. I just used to watch you a lot when I was a teenager, I haven’t watched any of your new stuff.” The man quickly rambled. Richie looked across his face. He must only be in his 20’s, he still had that hopeful sparkle in his eyes. 

“That’s alright, my new stuff is kind of shit. I don’t even write it myself…” Richie confessed as he took the change of the cashier. 

“Oh shit, that sucks.” He quickly said and Richie nodded in agreement. “You know, I erm… this might sound weird?”

“Go on?” Richie mumbled as he put his wallet into his pocket. 

“Your show… I know it had nothing to do with it or anything… but I actually came out because of you?” The man said it like a question. He was obviously nervous.

“What?” Richie scoffed. 

“Yeah, I mean… You were always so confident on stage and so honest, I loved that… I guess I found it inspiring or some shit.” The man smiled as he ran his hand through his hair.

“Wow, I mean…” Richie was in shock. “That means a lot to me, man.”

“Don’t worry about it!” The man smiled widely. "Have a nice night, Richie Tozier." Richie nodded as he turned to leave the shop, unsure of how he felt.

_XV_

Once he had left the shop, he headed back to his apartment, but he couldn't bring himself to actually go back in. Instead, he climbed all the stairs, his breath becoming short and skin becoming hot. Right at the top was a big emergency exit sign above a door, but Richie had gone out enough times to know it wasn't alarmed. 

Stepping back out into the night washed Richie with a sense of relief. He walked across the flat roof to near the edge, sinking to the floor to sit cross-legged. He had never dared to actually sit on the edge, he wasn't that stupid. Richie pulled out on of the cigarette from the carton and lit it with shaky hands. He covered the end with his other hand to stop the wind as he clicked the lighter, heavily breathing in to inhale the smoke. It filled his lungs and made him also relax a little. He pulled the cigarette out of his mouth to blow out the smoke into the night sky, watching it swirl around until it disappeared. Richie then pulled out his small vodka bottle, balancing the cigarette between his lips to unscrew the top. 

For a moment, Richie stopped himself. His mind effortlessly went back to Eddie. Guilt started to rise up in Richie, but it disappeared as soon as he took a swig of the vodka. Richie looked out into the night, seeing the skyline of Chicago sparkle with lights. You couldn't see the stars in the city. That was the only thing he liked about Derry. The stars. Over the city it was like a dome that trapped everyone inside with the car fumes and the factories, but in Derry somehow it felt untouched by the outside world. Richie lifted the cigarette to his lips again, as he inhaled the end turned amber and lit up his vision. 

The guilt was creeping back, and so was the pain. Richie hated all of this. But the worst thing was, he couldn't even blame Derry. Before Derry he had been miserable, leading a double life of partying and doing tours, trying not to spend any alone time with himself. Richie knew he was always lonely, but now it was consuming him, even though he had gained five friends in the last three months. 

"It should've been six," Richie muttered to himself. Richie looked up at the sky. It wasn't completely black, it had an orange hue from the pollution, but it was good enough. "I'm sorry, Stanley," Richie said as he looked up.

Richie didn't know why he was doing this, he didn't believe in heaven. But something deep down told him Stanley was there.

"I'm a screw-up and I should be happy, right? We won and I'm alive, and that's what should count." Richie glanced down at the bottle he had placed in front of him. "But I'm not happy. You're gone and everyone else is far away."

A voice inside of him yelled, _Eddie's not._

"I know, but..." Richie looked back up. "I'm so messed inside, he deserves better than me. How can I even-"

A gust of wind blew through Richie's hair, making Richie squeeze his eyes shut. He carefully opened his eyes to look up into the night again. 

"Was that you telling me to suck it up?" Richie chuckled as he looked upwards. Richie felt his eyes prick with tears, but he sniffed them back.

"I love him... a lot. But I'm scared, Stanley. What if I fuck it up?"

Another gust of wind blew Richie's hair up and tickled his face. Richie let his eyes shut as he felt the warm air swirl around him, and he sighed into the silence. "

Yeah, I know." Richie murmured.

Richie stumbled up, tossing his cigarette away and picking up his bottle. He tucked it into his breast pocket as he straightened himself out. Before walking away, he looked back into the night sky.

"I miss you, Stan." The wind picked up again, making Richie chuckle. 

"I love you too," Richie whispered before heading back to the door. 

_XVI_

As soon as Richie twisted the key in the lock and pushed the door open, he heard a gasping sound. Richie looked into the room to see Eddie standing up from the sofa. Eddie stared at Richie with red puffy eyes. 

“Where have you been? Eddie asked, his voice shaking as he spoke. Richie could barely look at him as he shut the door to the apartment. Richie looked down at the ground to push his shoes off, he once again spotted the bag from Derry. Richie's whole body suddenly felt like it was sinking, like the bag was pulling him further down the more he stared at it. 

“Richie?” Eddie's sudden voice snapped Richie out of his trance. Richie's eyes flicked back up to Eddie who was standing with his arms crossed over his chest. 

“I needed some air.” Richie muttered, ashamed of telling him the truth about why he had left in the first place. The small bottle of vodka in his breast pocket suddenly felt hot against his chest. There had been no one to tell him to stop drinking in the past, and now the only reason he ever wanted to stop was standing in front of him, and Richie was lying to his face. 

“You’ve been drinking, haven’t you?” Eddie asked.

“Eddie-”

“Richie, Jesus Christ,” Eddie muttered frustratedly as he rubbed his face. “I was in the next room, you could’ve talked to me.” Eddie pleaded as he pointed to his own chest.

“How could I?” Richie scoffed as he threw his hands up in the air. Eddie raised his eyebrows in shock. “Eddie, how could I possibly…” Richie trailed off, too scared to finish the sentence. Richie shook his head and slid his coat off to hand it against the wall. There was a _clunk_ sound as the bottle hit the wall. Richie hated this. He was always the one to make Eddie laugh and smile, and now... Eddie hadn't laughed once since he had arrived. 

“Richie, please talk to me. I’m so worried about you.” Eddie’s voice was soft, calming almost. Richie would’ve melted on the spot and started blurting out all his secrets, but as soon as his eyes met Eddie’s, there was the pain again. It flooded through his system, like when he looked at the bag or when he tried to switch the lights off. It made Richie want to gag. The flashing lights were in his vision again, the endless tunnels, Eddie’s lifeless eyes staring at him...

“Richie?” Eddie's voice sounded panicked. Richie didn’t even notice he had shut his eyes until he struggled to open them again. Richie’s hand was pressed into the wall to keep him balanced, and he wasn’t aware he had done that either. Richie blinked a couple of times, trying to remember where he was. Richie looked up at Eddie. Eddie’s eyes were wide with panic but he hadn’t moved from the middle of the room. Richie pushed himself back up and stepped closer. Richie tried to clear his throat before speaking. 

“I’m fine,” Richie’s voice croaked. 

“Don’t give me that shit, Richie. I’ve known you forever, I know when you’re lying. Talk to me,” Eddie quickly said as he blinked quickly. 

“I can’t Eddie… I’m a bad person…” Richie’s voice was small, barely even leaving his mouth. Richie wasn’t thinking about the words before he said them, which was normally the case. But instead of stupid jokes to pass the moment, it was things that hid deep in his brain. 

“You’re not a bad person, Rich,” Eddie replied.

“You have no idea what’s going on inside my head…”

“Try me,” Eddie demanded. 

“It’s…” Richie began but he changed his mind. “I can’t… everything in my head is so…. Awful. I've done awful things.” 

“Fine, let's play a game.” Eddie quickly said as he crossed his arms over his chest. 

“A game?” Richie questioned. 

“Yeah, awful confession for awful confession.” Eddie said, “If I tell you how much of a terrible person I am, that will make you feel better right? Then you won't be the most terrible person in this room anymore.” Eddie was staring at Richie, and Richie realised he was being serious. Richie scoffed as he crossed his arms over his chest.

“Eddie this is ridiculous-”

“I left Myra.” Eddie interrupted and Richie felt himself stop breathing. Richie stared at Eddie, he felt like he couldn’t even blink. “I left in the dead of night with no apology or explanation. She woke up and I was gone, and she couldn't even ring me because I binned my bone at the airport. Ten years of marriage and I left her because I was too scared to tell her the truth.” Eddie’s gaze shifted to the side, unable to look at Richie. "I left my wedding ring on the table, so I'm presuming she'll get it." Eddie’s eyes glistened with tears and when he blinked the began to roll down his cheeks. Eddie bit down on his lip in an attempt to make it stop quivering and also to stop any more words coming out. 

Richie’s heart sank for Eddie. Richie had spent the last few months wishing that Myra would leave Eddie, but Richie never thought about how it would affect Eddie. All the pain Eddie had felt over the years meant he was just as closed up as Richie. But Eddie was married to what was making him close up. 

After a couple of moments of silence, Eddie looked back at Richie and raised his eyebrows quickly to say, ‘ _your go’_. Richie took a deep breath. 

“I want to be with you,” Richie felt tears rolling down his cheeks as Eddie’s face dropped. “But every time I look at you…” Richie paused for a moment as he glanced across Eddie’s red and watering eyes. “I think about Derry… and I can’t handle it.” Richie could feel his hands shaking. He tried to make them into tight fists. "You're here because you want me to get better, and all I want to do is kiss you again, even if it hurts me and makes me spiral... Because I don't care about the consequences, I just want you and that's selfish." Eddie gently nodded in acknowledgement and sniffed back his tears. But it was no use. His eyelashes became thick with tears as he shut them tight. Richie stayed quiet as he watched, tasting his own tears on his lips.

Eddie eventually took a deep breath and looked back up at Richie. 

“I didn’t just come here to help you, I want to be with you,” Eddie said and Richie’s heart skipped a beat. “I thought that if I could help you, you would want me back, even though I knew you were vulnerable.” Eddie’s eyes flashed with guilt as he looked up at Richie. Richie finally understood why Eddie had freaked out when they kissed. Richie knew that the confession should upset him more, but all he could think about was that Eddie wanted to be with him. But then another thought popped into his mind.

_Why the fuck would Eddie want to be with me?_

“I started drinking to forget Derry, but now I think I’m drinking to forget about who I am.” Richie stuttered out. “I’m so fucked up that I don’t know why you could even like me.”

“Richie, don’t-,”

“I am though, look at me!” Richie waved his arms up in frustration. “Look at everything, Eddie! I’m such a screw-up.” Richie sniffed back the tears, but it was no use. They kept rolling down his hot cheeks onto his lips. Richie could taste the salt as he bit down on his trembling lower lip, hard enough to probably draw blood. Eddie was glancing across Richie’s face in astonishment like Richie had said the most ridiculous thing in the world.

“Ok, it’s my turn right?” Eddie aggressively took a step closer to Richie. Eddie took a wobbly deep breath before speaking. “I think... sometimes... you are a mess... And I think that you can be irresponsible and it scares me.” Eddie’s voice was cracking as he spoke, the tears and emotions tumbling out of him interrupting his speech. The words shocked Richie, hearing someone say it to him scared him. Especially when it came from Eddie’s lips. “It scares me because I love you and don’t want you to get hurt. But it also scares me because I know I can only help to an extent, even though I want to be the one to make you better. I don’t think you've fucked up all Richie, just the situation.”

“I’m scared to get help, Eddie.” Richie choked, the sobs became uncontrollable now. Eddie stepped closer to Richie so he was right in front of him.

“I know, Richie, but I’m so proud of you. Everyday.” Eddie gripped the sides of Richie’s face, forcing eye contact. “You’re a wonderful human being, Richie.” Richie quickly shook his head and scrunched his eyes. “No, Richie you are. You’ve done incredible things in your life, everything just feels shit right now because what you’ve gone through. But I promise it will get better.” Richie nodded with tears in his eyes. He looked down at the smaller man and his heart skipped a beat.

“Eds, I know I said you reminded me of Derry, but I really want you to stay.” Richie sniffed. “I want you here all the time,”

“Well, I’ll be here all the time then. Even if it’s if you just need a friend, I’m ok with that because I want you to be safe and happy,” Eddie’s eyes were flooded with tears. Richie could tell the words were hurting Eddie, but Eddie meant every part of it. 

“I think right now… I just need to go slow.” Richie managed to say. All Richie wanted to do was swoop down and kiss Eddie until all his breath was gone. But something was stopping him. Eddie gave a small nod as he stroked his thumb lightly over Richie’s cheek, catching some of the tears that were still falling from his eyes. Richie held back his stifled sobs as he watched Eddie carefully. 

“Whatever you need, I’m here Richie,” Eddie said with a small smile, but his lip trembled. Richie leaned down, wrapping his arms around Eddie’s shoulders to pull him into a tight hug. Eddie gripped around Richie’s waist and dug his damp face into Richie’s chest. The waves of emotions suddenly overtook Richie and the sobs became more desperate. All the pain Richie had been closing in suddenly broke out like a dam, the tears rushing down his face as he buried himself into Eddie’s embrace. His walls had been broken down by his salty tears, and he couldn’t hold back any longer. Richie was sobbing, he felt like he was actually in pain, and in a way he was. 

Richie felt like his heart was broken. There was a rawness, a sting of pain, an open wound that fell over his whole body that made him ache. Richie felt like he was grieving, but he wasn’t sure what he was grieving. Maybe it was the loss of normality, but Richie never felt he had that anyway. Nothing about his life had ever been normal or average, well maybe apart from this moment because Richie never felt like a real human being. He always blocked emotions, didn’t express himself or let intrusive thoughts be pushed to the back of his brain. But right now, he was finally letting it all out. 

At some point, Richie’s knees buckled, and Eddie guided him to the ground. Richie sat on his knees, his arms still wrapped around Eddie with an arched back as he sobbed into Eddie’s neck. 

Richie was crying for Mike, for Beverly, for Ben, for Bill, for Eddie… For Stanley. Richie cried for all the children he couldn’t save. He was crying for his parents who were long in their graves and never got to see Richie live a life without Derry’s tight grip on him. He was crying for his younger self who was too scared to be who he was. Richie knew that that version of himself was still locked inside of him, and he was crying to finally release him. 

And Eddie cried with him. The two of them hunched up on the floor as they sat on their knees, tightly wound together like they were meant to fit. It was like everything in their lives had been leading up to this moment. The moment where they would interlock and let go of the world around them.

_XVII_

The days crept by, the lights stayed on, and Richie stayed sober. Richie had never done ' _slow'_ in his life. Saying he needed to go slow was one thing, but actually putting it into practice was harder. After the emotional morning on the floor of his apartment, Richie and Eddie had been drifting around the apartment trying to get back into some sort of schedule.

They would lie in bed watching a movie and drift off, Richie sometimes curled up next to Eddie in the night and Eddie would hold him back. When Eddie was cooking for them, Richie would brush up next to him and ask if he needed any help. The nightmares carried on at night, but Richie would wake up with Eddie holding him tightly and whispering that everything would be ok. 

They sat on the sofa one morning, Eddie on one side and Richie on the other as they held hot coffees. Richie kept glancing to his side to see the steam whirl up and Eddie pressed his lips to the side of the mug. Richie gulped. Eddie looked to the side and gave a soft smile to Richie before turning his attention back to the TV. The night had been a bad one. Richie had woken up screaming, trying to push Eddie away in fear. But Eddie had eased him out of the nightmare, gently cooing him back into the bed. 

“Eds, can I ask you something?” Richie muttered as he moved his thumb over the hot mug. 

“As long as you don’t call me Eds,” Eddie grumbled and it made Richie laugh. “Fire away,” Eddie smiled. 

“How come you don’t get nightmares?” Richie asked and Eddie looked around at him. “I mean, I know you said you have them… but they're not like mine… I thought we’d all be the same because we went through the same thing, actually, you went through more than me honestly...”

“Well,” Eddie began as he leaned forward to put his mug on the coffee table, “people react differently to different traumas. There’s no way of knowing how people will react.”

“That makes no sense,” Richie mumbled as he took a sip of coffee. 

“There’s no such thing as having a worse trauma than someone else, Richie. Everyone's trauma is valid, no matter what it is. Our bodies and minds react in different ways so having different reactions is normal.” Eddie said, sympathetically looking at Richie.

“I guess that makes sense,” Richie muttered.

“Of course it does, I said it,” Eddie smirked as he leaned forward to grab his mug again. Eddie gripped it in both his hands as he raised it to his lips again, and Richie watched with love in his eyes. Eddie was right, none of the problems had to make any sense. As long as he dealt with them in the right way, it would be fine. He just wasn't sure he was ready yet. 

Richie brought his foot up to poke Eddie lightly in the ribs.

“Stop that!” Eddie snapped and Richie chuckled as he took another sip of coffee. Richie started to feel his old self coming back. 

_XVIII_

One night, while Eddie was washing up, Richie leaned up against the kitchen counter as he listened to Eddie ramble. 

“Look I know that this might be a weird conversation because of many things, but I’ve decided I’m going to see a therapist… I know it’s weird because I don’t live here or anything but it’s just for the time being you know?” As Eddie babbled, Richie couldn’t stop hearing the love in Eddie’s voice. Richie crossed his arms over his chest as he listened, watching Eddie arms in rolled-up sleeves and yellow rubber gloves covered in bubbles. “But I also don’t want to pressure you into thinking that you should go to therapy, you need to do that whenever you’re ready, -”

“Eds?” Richie pushed himself up and stood next to Eddie, staring down at him lovingly. Eddie twisted his head to the side so he could look up at Richie. “Can I kiss you?”

“Right now?” Eddie muttered without taking his eyes off Richie, his hands still submerged in the foamy water. Richie gently nodded. “Ok,” Eddie almost whispered. Richie leaned down, putting his hand up to touch Eddie’s cheek. Richie pressed his lips gently onto Eddie’s almost innocently.

Richie pulled away slowly, and both their lips parted to let out shallow breaths. Richie scanned across Eddie. Eddie’s cheeks flushed red, his hands were gripping into the sink, his eyes were still staring down at Richie’s lips.

Richie took at and leaned back in for more. Eddie’s body twisted around and Richie felt the soapy gloves brush onto his neck as Eddie opened his mouth more. Richie reached both hands up to hold Eddie’s face, tilting his head to the side so he could slowly kiss the smaller man. Richie’s heart fluttered as he felt Eddie’s other arm wrap around his back, and small drops of water drip onto his sweatpants. 

It was slow and soft, not like the first time they kissed. Richie wanted to remember every second of this kiss. The way Richie’s heart fluttered, the way Eddie traced his hand down Richie’s spine, the way that Eddie pressed his mouth onto Richie’s making small kissing noises. Richie was sure this was the best kiss of his life and nothing would ever beat it. 

Richie pulled back and scanned across Eddie’s face again. Eddie slowly opened his eyes to look up at Richie with a smile. 

“What was the for?” Eddie gently asked.

“I’m not sure,” Richie muttered, but he did know. That soft kiss said more than his words ever could, and he knew Eddie understood that. It meant, _of course you can stay, thank you for not pressuring me, you’re an amazing person, you mean so much to me._

“I’ve got soap all over you now,” Eddie chuckled as he brushed some bubbles off Richie’s shoulder. 

“I don’t mind, it was worth it.” Richie smiled. 

“I can’t believe I was wearing rubber gloves for our first proper kiss,” Eddie grumbled as he pulled them off his hands, forgetting about the rest of the washing up there was left to do. 

“Kinky,” Richie chuckled. 

“I hate you,” Eddie quickly replied, but Richie knew he didn’t. 

_XIX_

As the summer days got shorter and cooler, Richie became more and more comfortable with Eddie’s presence. The memories of Eddie in Derry started being replaced with new, brighter memories. Eddie wearing one of Richie’s hoodies, Eddie reading a book in bed, Eddie sprawled underneath Richie... lots and lots of good memories. Derry started to feel further and further away, but that was because they enclosed themselves in a small bubble. It wasn’t until Richie was sat across from a woman tapping his pen on a blank notebook with Richie’s name at the top that Richie began to feel like the walls were closing in on him again. 

“I don’t know where to begin,” Richie muttered as he clasped his hands together.

He hadn’t told Eddie he was going to a therapy session, he had lied and said he had a meeting about his upcoming Netflix special which Richie delayed after Derry. It was one of the only lies Richie had told Eddie since the night they cried on the floor. Richie wasn’t sure why he lied, maybe he was also lying to himself too. 

“Well, why don’t you talk to me about the incident that brought you here?”

The incident that finally made Richie go to therapy happened a week prior. Up until that point he had avoided the idea of going, instead opting to ignore the problems. Richie nightmare became less frequent but there were still blaring problems that he refused to address, which is why the incident happened. 

The sky was turning dark, but Richie’s room was lit by light from the bulb above his bed. Eddie had bought a flimsy-looking dome light shade to dim the light slightly. Richie looked up at it as Eddie bit into his neck, sucking slightly as his hand tangled into Richie’s messy curls. Richie involuntarily groaned as he gripped harder onto Eddie’s hips, pressing him down more to create more friction. They were both in their underwear, their skin glistened from the sweat and Richie glasses had been discarded a while ago. Eddie's scar was red up his chest, but Richie didn't care. All he cared about was getting the skin and skin contact with Eddie that he had craved for years. Eddie trailed his tongue up Richie’s neck making Richie moan again, his eyes rolling to the back of his head as he took his attention off the light and onto pushing his hip upwards to press against Eddie. 

“Enjoying yourself there, baby?” Eddie muttered in Richie’s ear and all Richie could do was nod his head eagerly. Eddie gave a low chuckle that ripple through Richie’s body. Eddie rocked his hips downwards again and Richie moaned loudly and wrapped his arms tighter around Eddie. Richie desperately moved his head so he could shuffle under Eddie’s to kiss him again. Eddie’s breath was hot on Richie’s, his tongue moving around Richie’s mouth and Richie welcomed it. 

Richie would never have thought that Eddie would have so much libido or want to have passionate making out sessions. Richie always imagined Eddie as being a soft, loving type that would want to take things slowly. But it was like a switch had been flicked within Eddie, and Richie loved it. 

Richie opened his eyes as Eddie pulled away for a moment. Eddie brushed Richie’s damp curls from his head as he glanced across Richie’s face. Richie was stunned for a moment but he couldn’t work out why. Eddie looked deep into Richie’s eyes, unblinking as he breathed heavily, trying to catch his breath back. Richie stared back, looking into those brown, wide eyes which he knew so well. Eddie leant back down as began kissing into Richie’s collar bones, lightly grazing his teeth across them. But Richie barely noticed. His mind was still seeing Eddie’s eyes looking at him, and suddenly, he was there. He was in Derry. He was in the sewers. Eddie’s lifeless eyes looking at him and Richie screaming, knowing it was too late. Richie could hear his friends screaming, he could hear the cave rumbling around him, he had to get out, he had to-

Richie pushed Eddie off him with full force, kicked his feet into Eddie’s hips so it pushed him backwards. Eddie fell off the end end of the bed, making a loud shrieking noise, his hands going up to try and grip into something. Richie sat up, his heart thumping in his chest. Richie shut his eyes and put his hands over his ears to try and stop the noise of his crying friends. But he could still hear it, he could still see it all. 

“Richie!” Eddie’s voice cried out, but Richie ignored it. He carried on rocking himself, his cheeks becoming wet as he sobbed. “Richie, come on, calm down!” There was a hand on either shoulder, tightly gripping him. But Richie couldn’t get out. 

“Go away!” Richie sobbed loudly to his visions.

“Richie, baby, please. Open your eyes, I’m here!” Eddie’s voice was firm as Richie tried to open his eyes. He was met by the glaring lights which made him blink to try and gain his vision back. Eddie’s messy hair fell over his face as he stared at Richie with panicked eyes. Richie quickly reached forward and wrapped Eddie into a tight hug, just to make sure he was real. 

So that’s why Richie found himself sitting uncomfortably in a leather seat facing a complete stranger attempting to confess all his secrets. But the words wouldn’t come out. The therapist said that was ok, that however long it took for Richie to open up, it would be fine because he took the first step and that was brave. 

_XX_

Richie sulked back into the apartment, his head hung low even though he kept reminding himself of his therapist's words. The door clicked behind him as he looked down at the floor. Eddie had finally helped Richie move the bag, washing the clothes and folding them into his drawers. It had been a big step, but now he felt like he had backtracked. 

“Hey babe, how was your meeting?” Eddie smiled up as he sat on the sofa with his laptop on his knees. 

“I didn’t go to a meeting,” Richie sighed, standing awkwardly in the middle of the room. Eddie took a moment before closing the lid of his laptop. 

“Ok?” Eddie muttered in confusion.

“I went to therapy,” Richie confessed and Eddie instantly looked less tense. But Richie didn't feel any better. “I couldn’t say anything, nothing would come out, and you know me, I could talk for anything but holy shit, I couldn’t do it, Eddie.” Eddie stood up and walked over to Richie, gripping Richie’s arms tightly as he looked up at the taller man. “It was too much, Eds. I’m sorry I lied to you but-”

“I’m proud of you, Richie.” Eddie smiled. “You took a big step and that’s awesome.” Richie smiled down at Eddie. For some reason when Eddie said it, it meant a lot more than a stranger. 

“Thanks, dude.” 

“I thought you said you’d stop calling me dude now we’re dating?” Eddie scowled. 

“Oh shit, yeah, sorry,” Richie leaned down and caught Eddie’s lips with his own. “Thanks, my Lil Eddie spaghetti.” 

“Can we go back to dude,” Eddie groaned and Richie kissed him again, still with a smile on his lips. 

_XXI_

Life started flowing smoother. Richie felt like he was on track. He talked to his therapist about his pent up trauma, which there was a lot of. He knew he couldn't mention Pennywise, but he talked about Eddie's accident and the nightmares. Richie also opened up about hating himself, for many reasons, but the main reason was about being gay. Richie would have his sessions and tell Eddie all about them. Eddie would always listen with a half-smile, holding Richie's hand and comforting him through it. Eddie was proud of him, he would say it constantly. Richie felt good, especially with Eddie by his side.

So when Richie relapsed, he hated himself more than ever. It started off innocently. Richie had a meeting with Steve asking to have a meeting, but Richie felt his body stiffen up when he realised Steve wanted to meet in a bar. When Richie got there, he was fully prepared to sit down with a glass of orange juice, but the beer had already been bought for him. There were several people sat around the table laughing and joking, watching Richie carefully. Richie felt too rude not to drink it. 

Six hours later and 37 missed calls from Eddie, and even more from his friends, Richie was heaving over the toilet as Eddie held his hair back with his sleeves rolled up. Richie heaved, his whole body shaking violently and tears streaming from his eyes. He sobbed the words " _I'm sorry,_ " over and over again and they echoed into the toilet bowl. Eddie carried on rubbing Richie's back to soothe him, rubbing his other hand through Richie long curls. Richie kept gagging, but nothing was coming up. His stomach was empty, but it felt on fire and bruised from all the heaving. Richie felt pathetic. Life was going well, and somehow he still managed to screw it up.

Eddie managed to guide Richie through the house, and Richie could barely walk straight. He leant on Eddie for support, his eyes were barely open as they stumbled to the bedroom. The light hurt Richie's eyes, but he didn't care. He cared about Eddie. Richie climbed into the bed teary, and Eddie held him. Richie was too far gone to make sense of it all. He just kept saying sorry, over and over again. 

"I'm here for you Richie, it's ok. This doesn't mean you've failed, Richie." Eddie mumbled into Richie's hair. Richie gripped tighter into Eddie's clothes and sobbed into his chest. 

"It does, I've messed up, I'm a piece of shit, I've let you down, I've-"

"Richie, come on. You've got to calm down." Richie could feel Eddie swaying them both. "I know you didn't want this to happen, and you're not responsible. You've been sober once, and I know you can do it again. It just feels like a lot right now." Richie nodded into Eddie's damp chest. Richie believed everything Eddie was saying, he was drunk but he was taking it all in. Even in his drunk mind, he hoped Eddie would say it all again for him tomorrow just in case he forgot the soft words. Eddie was planting small kisses into the top of Richie's hair, and Richie sniffed back the tears. 

"I don't deserve you," Richie sniffed. 

"Yes you do, you're wonderful Richie. I'll always be here for you." Eddie whispered as if it was a secret just for Richie. Richie felt warm inside as they swayed in his brightly lit room.

_XXIII_

"Are you sure you're ready?"

"Are _you_ sure you're ready?" Eddie repeated as he lifted his hand up to stroke Richie's cheek. Richie was 100 per cent sure. Richie had been waiting for this moment for a long time.

It had been two months since the throwing of the bed incident, and slowly Richie had been building up his confidence again. Sometimes he would be fine, but other times he wouldn't be. Richie would apologise over and over again as he sobbed to Eddie. But Eddie would always tell him it's ok, even if Richie pushed him away quickly or suddenly started panicking mid-orgasm. 

But now, Richie felt ready. He wasn't sure if he was going to freak out or not. But with Eddie's soft eyes looking back at him, illuminated by the fairy light in the bedroom Eddie had put in so they could turn the main light off, he felt safe. Richie looked down Eddie's body. The red scar was slowly starting to fade, and so was the constant reminder of Derry. Now, it was just a part of Eddie and they both loved it.

The last three months with Eddie around had made everything slightly easier. Richie felt less alone and less scared, but he knew that he still had to put in the work. Richie had been sober four weeks, relapses were inevitable and difficult, but Richie was finally getting somewhere. 

"Yeah, I'm ready," Richie muttered as he looked back up at Eddie. Eddie softly smiled, tucking Richie hair behind his ear and then resting his hand on the back of Richie's neck to pull him down. Richie leant down and pressed his mouth onto Eddie's, softly kissing him. Richie tilted his head to the side so he could brush his tongue against Eddie's. Richie's lips felt sore from how long they had been making out and prepping up until this moment, but kissing Eddie slowly made all of that go away. Eddie's hand gently gripped into the back of Richie's hair as their naked bodies pressed together. Chicago had turned colder with the seasons, but they both still felt hot and sticky as they tangle their bodies together. Richie nodded his head back to look across Eddie's face again, scanning every line and wrinkle, every freckle, every inch of his skin. He loved every part. 

"I love you," Richie muttered. It wasn't the first time he had said it. That happened a month prior. Richie had been thinking of saying it for a long time, but it was Eddie that said it first as they casually sat in a park. Going outside was harder for Richie then he had anticipated. Sitting in a lively park had been a big step for Richie, the anxiety of people looking at him faded away as he realised no one cared what he was doing. Eddie had said the words after they had been sitting in silence for five minutes, gazing at all the people passing them by. Richie had instantly gawked at Eddie, in shock that Eddie had been building up to it. Obviously Richie said it back, and he hadn't stopped saying it since. 

"I love you too, but can we get on with it," Eddie grumbled as he leant up to kiss Richie quickly. 

"Jeez, just trying to fulfil a life long dream here," Richie muttered under his breath, and Eddie frowned up at him. "Just tell me if you need to stop, ok?" Richie muttered. 

"I will, Richie, I promise," Eddie muttered back, his voice slightly wobbly from nerves. 

"Ok. Ready?" Richie said as he looked down at both their bodies. 

"Yes," Eddie said sternly. Richie reached between them and Eddie lifted his legs higher and tightened them around Richie's sides. Richie lined himself up and slowly lined forward. Eddie groaned loudly, tipping his head back. Richie kept looking between them as he tried to go a bit further. Richie was too far away from Eddie to kiss him, and it made Richie more determined. Eddie's body felt tense. 

"Eds, are you ok?" Richie quickly asked, looking up at him. Richie had been cautious of Eddie ever since he had come to Chicago. Richie wanted nothing more for Eddie to be safe and happy, but he knew Eddie wasn't fragile. Eddie had told him that on many occasions. 

"Yeah, just give me a minute." Eddie moaned, his face still screwed up. Richie was patient, his arms becoming wobbly where he was holding himself up. Eddie finally started to ease up. He opened his eyes and gave a quick nod and Richie started moving again. Eddie desperately gripped into Richie's hair and lifted his head up to try and kiss him, but it was no use. 

"Am I doing good?" Eddie breathlessly asked. Richie looked down and gave a quick nod. 

"You've nearly done all of it," Richie panted. He could feel sweat all over his body, his stomach felt tight, he was a nervous wreck. But when Eddie spoke, it calmed him completely because Eddie's voice had a soothing and distracting effect. 

"Just go for it, honestly," Eddie said calmly. Richie blinked at him a couple of times. "Please, I just want to be close to you," Eddie begged.

Eddie's loud moan was muffled by Richie finally being able to press his lips against Eddie's because Richie had leant forward and put his weight against Eddie. Richie pulled away to plant several kisses onto the side of Eddie's face as he wrapped his arms under Eddie's neck to hold him closer. Eddie was quivering below him as he wrapped his arms tightly around Richie's body. Richie could see Eddie's eyes were slightly watery and Richie didn't dare to move. Eddie finally flickered his eyes open and pressed a kiss onto Richie's mouth. 

"I'm ready," Eddie said desperately between kisses. "Plus my legs are cramping in this position." Eddie shakily laughed and Richie chuckled. Richie pressed their mouths together, letting his tongue lick across Eddie's Eddie moaned slightly as Richie began moving his hips, but carried on kissing him. 

The kisses became more and more desperate as Richie kept moving. Derry was far from Richie's mind as he listened to Eddie moans against his lips. Richie felt breathless, completely in the moment. It wasn't long before Richie began to shake and his hip movements became more frantic. Eddie was digging his nails into Richie's back and Richie didn't even care. The kisses weren't even kisses, they were just open mouth moans. Eddie eventually tipped his head back and Richie tightened his eyes shut to concentrate. 

"I'm not going to last," Richie panted and Eddie reached between them to touch himself. Wave after wave of pleasure hit into Richie, and he rode the high. He had spent his adulthood chasing this feeling through using and drinking, trying to have sex with strangers, but none of that compared to this feeling. Richie opened his eyes to see Eddie's eyes open. 

The way Eddie looked at Richie was like he was seeing an angel. Richie kept going as they looked at each other, but it took all his energy to keep his eyes open. Eddie's eyes were so full of life. Eddie was blissed, happy, completely in love with Richie. Richie thought about how he needed to remember the way Eddie was looking at him right now for the rest of his life. 

Suddenly Eddie flung his head back and cried out, and that was enough for Richie. Richie groaned loudly, stuttering to try and make words come out of his mouth, but his brain had turned to mush. Richie collapsed on top of Eddie, feeling where Eddie had finished between them. Richie panted into Eddie's hot skin, feeling a wash of relief go over him. Eddie was panting with the hot breath into Richie's ear, and Richie squeezed him tighter. 

"I love you so much," Eddie finally panted. But all Richie could do was mumble, 

"ah huh,"

Eddie laughed as he nuzzled Richie head up to kiss him. Richie slowly kissed him, his body still trembling. Eddie ran his hand down Richie's back and Richie felt himself sigh. He was so in love. He never wanted this moment to end. Richie eventually rolled off Eddie to grab the towels Eddie had put out to wipe himself. Eddie wiped himself down and began to sit up. 

"That was really good," Richie murmured as he laid back down. 

"Yeah," Eddie smiled. "Do you want to get a shower?" Richie sighed but then nodded, knowing the Eddie would never let it go if he didn't. 

_XXIV_

When Richie had returned from the shower, Eddie went in after him. When Richie was in the shower, Eddie changed the sheets and remade the bed, making Richie chuckle. Richie climbed into the bed wearing the pyjama set Eddie had bought for him, feeling warm inside. As he settled, he looked to the side at the night sky. The last few months had been hell, and Richie knew there was still a lot of bumps in the road to come, but for the first time in a long time, Richie had hope. 

Richie sighed, tipping his head on to the headboard, letting his eyes shut for a couple of moments. Richie wasn't sure if he was completely happy yet, but he was ok with that. He was beginning to feel more like his brighter, annoying, trashmouth self. It took a long time to realise that it was fine not to be well, and honestly, he was still dealing with that. He knew one day, he would be able to stand tall and say he had worked past this time in his life, and that's what kept him going. It also took him a long time to accept that it wasn't up to other people to keep him distracted and happy, and it wasn't good enough abusing drugs and alcohol either. 

What Richie had realised over the course of Eddie's stay was that Eddie was dealing with a lot too. Eddie was finally loving himself and accepting who he was, and he was moving on from his own trauma. Richie had been their every step of the way. Richie knew this was his own journey, Richie knew this was his own journey, and he embraced that. But Eddie was also on his own journey. Richie was thankful that someone was there to help him through it, and he was sure Eddie was glad for Richie too. Yes, they had their own paths to travel, but at least they could hold the hands with each other as they progressed. 

Richie opened his eyes again to see Eddie walking back into the room, his hair still damp but sticking up from where he had towel-dried it. Eddie had put on his pyjamas, his skin glowed and his cheeks were rosy. Richie couldn't help but smile at the sight. Eddie smiled back as he caught Richie's eye. Eddie hung up his dressing gown on the back of the door so he could get into bed.

Richie treasured these small moments as it filled him with happiness. It was as simple as Eddie having a hook to put his dressing gown on. Richie was living his life with Eddie by his side. Richie felt more safe and warm then he had ever felt in his life. 

But as Eddie approached the bed, suddenly Richie spoke.

"Hey, Eds?" 

"Yeah Rich?" Eddie asked as he looked over at Richie carefully.

"Can you turn the lights off?" Richie asked gently. Eddie blinked a couple of times before a soft smile crept across his lips. 

"Of course," Eddie smiled and Richie smiled back. 

**Author's Note:**

> I really hope you enjoyed. Let me know in the comments what you think if you liked it, I might write more like this in the future! In the meantime, hang out with me on Twitter/Tumblr @bellarosewrites x
> 
> Again, here is the links to helplines in your country. https://www.therapyroute.com/article/helplines-suicide-hotlines-and-crisis-lines-from-around-the-world


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